Don’t you feel alone most of the time? Because I am.

Ebe Dancel’s Bawat Daan

I was staring at the four corner of the room where I spent almost 18 hours a day. Diving to the deepest imagination I may have again. Does loneliness is really a choice? Isn’t it weird that someone is happy being alone? Is that a thing? Is it real?

Everytime I go outside to by mochi ice cream at night maybe around 8, i keep on looking at the sky above. Is it real? Is there really another world after earth? Or we are just a city in the real big world. Does mutants exist? Or how to get their x gene so I might be able to fly.

I also thought about witchcraft, is it really a thing? Because we all really want a magic, something that will make us amaze. Or maybe vampires are real, and we can just let them bite us so we can stay alive forever.

Or maybe cancer is really curable. I dream about it last night, well I always want to be someone who can change the world. At this point, i really do want to look for the cure to a certain pandemic who is stealing most of the best things in our life now.

Yeah, call me weird or a dreamer or any bad things you want but one thing for sure, I know why I keep on thinking about this things. Its because I am alone and lonely. Rolling on my bed again n again, making my eyeas tired while focusing on fictionized series or whatsoever.

I let my brain to focus on other things so that I can forgot the reaality. I am too alone to stay focus on what is really happening. I keep on catching my breathe every time I wake up from nightmares I didn’t create.

I was too alone that I started to love off lights than being in the spotlight. Too alone that I started to hate the sound of the raindrops in the roof. Too alone to not connect my reality to the most hated social media account inthe world. I am too alone to notice that I need to live my life even if I dont like anymore.

I hope I can be like everyone who can find happiness in being alone.

Staying is scary, sometimes.

Listen to “The Greatest Bastard” by Damien Rice.

Aren’t you scared? About what the future may hold. If we didn’t die at 2012 then are we never expected 2020 to be this dangerous? Or the fact that we are still fighting for our lives without any good reasons. Do we really need to suffer all of our life for things thay we cant control?

Aren’t you scared of loosing everyone in the process of growing up? Because I am. I’m so scared. I am always scared. I am now living this life for 2 decades which I remember questioning why I haves hands that I can control when I was on grade school.

I’m scared that one day Ill figure out that we are really screwed all the time. Since I was a child, I thought moving away is always the best idea. That when something happened that shouldn’t be put on the lifeline, then boom. Change of plan.

I live all my life being scared of power. I’m scared that one day, one of the people that I know will turn into someone that I cant even imagine. I’m scared of continuing to live with so much fear and anxiety.

Just dealing with my thoughts makes me scared even more. I’m scared that I cant even see my future. If I do have one. I’m scared to die being ‘nobody’. I was scared to not bring pride to my lovely family.

Aren’t we all scared of our own destiny? Maybe I was destined to be this, or that. And those people who claim their power is always destined to destroy me and I was so scared.

I am scared with the fact that maybe I cant handle this with myself. I am so scared to love death more than living. I am so scared to loose everything because that is more scary than loosing me. Staying is scary, sometimes. But I guess, we all do stay even if its hard, even if its really hard.

I regret I didn’t speak up

This note is all about me! About not “all” the thing I hope I say but I didn’t. Ye! I dont really know where to start coz I’m fvcking want to end my life right now. Hehez does it seem worthy? Oh no. I know that it will never be.


This quarantine saved me from an everyday nightmare. This quarantine made me feel how important I am to my family. How good things were when you have them at your side. I keep on thinking that maybe someday I will have the life that we deserve. A family with their own house, and not complete but also not broken.

Since the 7th month of 2019, there are so many things that happened. Secret that maybe I will keep till the rest of my life. Because I dont want to break my favorite person on earth’ heart even if the consequence is breaking my soul and inner peace.



And yes, it is not really easy to live with trauma. Every day  i keep on healing for secrets I cant even admit to myself. Holding every tears at night, waking up in fear, and most of the time not being able to sleep.

There were nights that I cant breathe. It felt like I am drowning with so much fear that even my happy thoughts cant fight it.

Every fvcking day is like surviving and thanking God for another day of war against something i cant even explain what it is. Im not even sure if I was feeling the right emotion. If this is really where I want myself to be. Be silent forever. Hide myself in the shadow of past and keep them on hunting me.

Well I guess so. At first, I really though that being a what so they called “leader” can replaced my drowning silent girl into an anxious girl who knew nothing but to help other people and consumed all her 95% to keep on going. To have that purpose in life where she have a reason to fvking get up every morning

Which leads her, to the most not so good quarter of her life. Being anxious and stress and depress and fvking mentally sick is not really a good characteristic that she have.

Isn’t ironic? She cant even speak up for herself then she expect that she can do it for others? Its a bullshit. She’s nothing but someone who claims power to feel powerful so that she can beat her own demons.

Dark is too bright.

Now, I’ve realized that I wasn’t really afraid of the dark. I was afraid of being chase. Chased by something I can’t really say.

It haunted me every night. I want to shout as if it is free. It embraced my soul and I can’t go. I was pulled by memories.

I need to escape, i need to run.

Far away.

I wasn’t really afraid of the dark. I was afraid of seeing other get hurt by my existense. I was so scared. I am still.

I wish that kissing palm will make it vanish in snap. It twist my inner peace.

I wasn’t really afraid of the dark. I am afraid of staying in the bright side.

That I maybe having a wrong choice.

Again.

Trusting the bright one. Giving my full hope that it will save me. Lending my hand and wait to be pull.

I realized that I wasn’t really afraid of the dark. I was afraid of the darkness being so bright that fooled me.

Again.

Words that I hope I can say to you.

It’s eleven in the evening and my thoughts kick my ass so bad. Honestly, i dont really know how and where should I start this. Maybe by being true? Or being fragile. Of course, it can be both.

Every night, i always close my eyes with the “what ifs” of my life. Thinking of things that “would be” if i “shouldn’t ” did some things. Ang gulo diba? Ganyan ang mundo ko, kaya siguro hindi ako ang pinili mo.

Naiisip mo rin kaya ako? Nasasagi man lang ba sa isipan mo kung anong ginagawa ko? Kung naiisip ba kita, kung sinasama ba kita sa mga dasal ko, kung kumain na ba ako. Kasi syempre, sino ba namang lalaki ang makakalimutan mag tanong sa babae ng “kumain ka na ba?” “Anong ginagawa mo?” At ang napaka cheezy na “mag-iingat ka ha, papakasalan pa kita” pwe!

Kapag nariyan, iniiwasan pero kapag wala eh lagi namang hinahanap. Ewan ko ba, kapag gusto may paraan kapag ayaw siguro tama yung mga dahilan. We are both “one call away” , masarap kausap, almost same nga ng wave length kumbaga flat line na.

It became a routine, yung pag c’create ng scenarios sa utak ko. Ikaw at ako, living the future together, coping up with the challenges together. “Together” kung may forever. Tapos gigising ulit ako sa kahibangan na everything was only created by our mind. Pati na siguro ang ‘love’.

‘Love yourself’ daw tapos find your happiness pero ang totoo, yung happiness mo nag l’lies sa isang tao. And that person is maybe not happy of having you around. Or siguro may sexual confusion but that crossed the line.

Then maybe, we should believe na lang kay destiny. Destiny may be ‘he or she’ bahala siya pero kapag sinabi niyang “Hindi kayo pwede, hindi kayo pwede” malinaw yun pero katwiran nating mga tao, ‘kung kayo, kayo talaga’ nakakatawa diba? Kahit sa reyalidad, pinaliliguan pa rin tayo ng mga kathang isip.

Pero seryoso na, mahirap ba akong mahalin? Mali ba akong piliin? O di tugma zodiac sign natin? Baka naman, di tayo parehas ng blood type. Di bale na, ang mahalaga mag-iingat ka kasi kailangan pa kita pero madalas mas kailangan mo ako. Basta, ingat ka o kaya ingatan ka niya maybe that sounds much better!

Hindi ko alam.

Hindi ko alam kung nag-lolokohan lang tayo dito
Na parang pinipilit kong maging tamang timpla sa kape mo
Kahit puro pait lang naman nais mong kumapit
Yumayakap pa rin ako ng mahigpit sayo

Hindi ko alam kung tama pa bang mag-laro tayo ng habulan
Tatakbo ka, susunod ako pero noong ako yung tumakbo
Bakit parang bale wala lang sayo?
Ako na lang lagi yung taya sa larong parehas naman tayong napapagod

Hindi ko alam kung quiz bee ba ang ating ginagawa
Patalinuhan kahit parehas naman tayong may sala
Ikaw ang mas magaling, hindi pa ako nadala’
Wala nga palang binatbat ang aking mga salita sapagkat ikaw ang laging tama

Hindi ko na alam kung chess ba ito
Na kailangan kong sumugod sa mga kawal mo, makipaglaban
Para lang mahuli ka sa akto at masaksihan ang totoo
Na hindi na pala ako ang reyna mo

Hindi ko na alam kung bulag na ba ang aking nga mata
Sapagkat kahit nasasaktan na, ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang aking nakikita
Naiisip, nagugulumihanan, ikaw lang talaga kumbaga
At kung iiwan mo ako, hindi ko alam kung aking makakaya.

Sapagkat hindi ko na alam, kung pag-mamahal pa ba ito o sadyang laro lang para sayo.

Kung malakas ako, ako sana yung pinili mo.

Habang tinititigan ko yung mensahe nya sa message request ko, biglang bumalik lahat. Bumalik yung saya, yung pakiramdam na kamahal-mahal ka, yung kilig, yung pag-kasabik, yung sakit, yung pagsikip ng dibdib, yung luha, yung “kami” noong mga panahong nagkakalabuan na. Tangina.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong maging masaya na nalaman kong naaalala nya pa rin ako o dapat ba akong malungkot kasi alam kong minsan nya na akong sinukuan ng hindi man lang ako nakalaban.

Matapos ko syang buuin, matapos kong gawin lahat mapunan lang yung pagkukulang na hinahanap nya, matapos kong salbahin sya mula sa pagkabigo. Ako naman yung binitawan nya noong mga panahon na kailangan ko sya.

Mga panahong pakiramdam ko ay mag-isa lang akong hinaharap ang mundo, kasi unti-unti na pa lang bumibitaw yung kamay nya sa kamay ko.

Sabi pa nga nya noon, “H’wag mo akong iiwan ha? Baka kasi mamaya may makita ka lang naa mas higit, ipagpalit mo na agad ako” Tangina. Ikaw yung nakakita ng much better, ikaw yung nang-iwan at ako yung pinagpalit.

Hindi naman sa paninisi pero sana hindi mo na lang ako binuo kung dudurugin mo lang ulit.

Hindi mo na lang sana ako pinasaya kung paiiyakin mo lang ulit.

Hindi mo na lang sana ako sinaktan kasi alam mong mahina ako.

Ang daya nga e, ang lakas-lakas ko pagdating sa ibang tao pero pag dating sayo, nang-hihina ako.

Ang hina-hina ko kasi mas pinili kong sukuan ka na rin kasi sinukuan mo na ako. Ang hina-hina ko kasi hindi kita hinabol noong may pagkakataon pa ako. Ang hina-hina ko kasi kung malakas ako, ako sana yung pinili mo.

I wrote this two years ago. Hehez just a fiction.

May araw na hindi ko siya pinili.

Minsan napapaisip din ako kung anong kulang sa akin, “kung saan ako nagkamali”, “kung pangit ba ako?”, “kung di talaga sapat yung kaya kong ibigay”, o “kung sumosobra ba?”.

O baka, “may araw na hindi ko siya pinili” o “may oras na nakukulitan na siya sa akin”. Hindi ko alam.
Gusto kong alamin pero baka hindi pa ako handang malaman.

Nakakalungkot lang.
Masaya naman kami, alam ko walang problema. Ramdam ko yung pagmamahal sa bawat higpit ng yakap niya.
Masaya kami.
O baka naman ako lang talaga yung masaya.

Gabi-gabi kaming nag-uusap, walang palya.
Tumatawa kahit hindi nakikita.
Masaya kami.
Alam ko ang bawat kilos niya
Maging ang oras na dapat ay pahinga na
Ginugugol pa rin sa isa’t isa

Teka, baka nga sumobra na.
Sapagkat lahat ng sobra ay masama.
Ako nga lang ba yung masaya?
O masaya ka na rin sa iba?
Mali pala ang “masaya kami” dapat ay “masaya ka” sa kanya.

IT’S YOU, IT’S ALWAYS YOU

Nobody but you could give me this confidence, this deep sense of purpose and connection. Nobody but you could make me feel so beautiful and secure.

I’m sure you’ve noticed how much my love for you has grown, and how much I depend on you and ask for your time. It might all be a bit sudden, I know, but it’s become crystal clear to me that there is nobody on this planet more perfect with cup of coffee than you are.

Before meeting you, I had never felt this kind of love before or this kind of passion and joy. Before meeting you, I never imagined I could feel happy all of the time, from morning until I begin dreaming at night. Now my world is changed and everything seems wonderful and bright. Because of you, everything now feels warm and secure. In your arms, I feel the whole world is open to me.

Pipiliin kita hanggang sa mga araw na hindi mo na kayang piliin ang sarili mo. Pipiliin kita ng paulit-ulit kahit pa pagkaubos ko ang kapalit nito.

I fall deeper in love with you every day. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me, or how much I love to just be with you. You make me smile and laugh out loud! You make me feel comfortable, confident, and protected. For the first time in my life, I feel whole and fully alive.

Love can make a person do things that they never thought possible. There’s a place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part me.

No boundaries

You have that shimmering eyes who captured my heart
In the gallery room, you’re the finest art
I am starting to melt when you look at me
I felt the nervousness that brought by coffee

We’ve met in the middle of nowhere
Literally, I am standing here and you are there
You are holding a cup of ice cream
While I am staring at you strange as its seem

We bumped into each other in my fav bookshop
When we both touched the same book
It’s an awesome piece entitled ‘the lap’
Talking about how lovestory can fictionaly cook

Since then, we always see each other
Wasting time’ thinking about
how many people have experience to be unloved
By someone who they used to love more than a hundred percent

You are the one who taught me how to value myself
That I should be wiser when it comes to love
Because you know how they think
And what have men can do

Every single day you makes me feel how lovely I am
You used to court me everyday
till I said YES
You are the best decision ive ever made

You are my ‘first love never end’
The love who stay
The love who’s willing to give while receiving
The love who sacrifice
And the love of my life

In our journey, we encounter some problem
But the good thing is, we faced it together
No matter how hard our situation is, you still prove to them
That you will love and stay with me forever and ever.

Our love has no boundaries
I am free to be who I am
We are so rich of mercy and glories
You love my God thats why
I love you too

Soon we will celebrate a lot of decades as lovely couple
Your my boy who turn into man for me
Your my love who stay great every single day
You are my sunshine and a morning ray
You are ..
You are ..

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